This drunk person's thoughts out loud. OK so I don't get drunk, but I can pretend, right?

People are so used to others hiding behind a mask, being almost one dimensional in their desire to show the world their best side, that when someone is being real, it get's confusing. How can you cope with someone being so many different, often contradictory things at once? But it's life.

Yes my tastes change over time, my desires do too. Sometimes I like staying in simple apartments, sometimes in posh 5 star hotels, and at other times I'm looking with envy at people dragging caravans behind their cars or contemplate buying a tent. I enjoy fancy restaurants, yet often crave pizza. I love buying new hot clothes and lingerie, yet at home I'm mostly naked or wearing really daggy clothes - shaped - materials... I enjoy getting dressed up in skin-tight arousing outfits, and also in baggy jeans and shapeless jackets, as well as soft and comfy sweaters. I buy expensive bras to then do everything to avoid wearing bras altogether. I can go for days or weeks horny as all hell, yet other times I prefer to curl up and read a book. I enjoy writing and talking about deep topics, psychology, and explaining to people why I do what I do, yet I don't see myself as someone who cares greatly about other's opinions. And prefer animals to humans. I am confident in my looks, I like my body and don't have many self confidence issues, yet I never thought of myself as pretty, even when I worked as a model. I'm very grounded and "real" yet I believe in the "behind the veil", alternate reality, parallels and past lives... I can go on and on, some things contradict themselves, or maybe they don't and it's just another facet of the same entity.
Of course the questions remains, do we perceive ourselves in any realistic way? Or are we too critical / admiring of ourselves to see the truth?

For an introvert like myself, with a healthy degree of non medicated anxiety in the mix, would have been ideal to only face the world when I'm in a relaxed and happy state. However life being what it is... We need to work no matter what happens. I can't cancel with my agency last minute just because I'm sore, not feeling 100%, had a bad night's sleep, feeling down, or my coffee sucked that morning.
If I can function at all, and not contagious, I'll go ahead with a booked appointment. I hate stuffing people around. Especially since in most cases travel is involved. For me, it takes a lot of mental energy of preparation when something is planned, whatever it might be, so when it get's cancelled, the emotional investment in prepping for it is still there but without any fulfilment. Hence why I don't like doing it to others. That's how I ended up going with 2 bookings on a day that my body cursed me with so much pain, and as a consequence with enough codeine pain killers I wasn't very much myself. But before doing something it's not always obvious if it's better to have cancelled.

Those of us who are able and used to putting out a mask, are better prepared for situations in which true emotions might not be best.
It's been a bit too real my dates, having the professional - work, client, separation blurred, real friendships emerge and with them some hurt feelings.
Sometimes if I'm hurt over something that my lover has done (or not done), like a broken promise, or a hurtful word, some damage to trust, or digging attempts in to my life, it's very difficult to act the usual bubbly, happy, sexy demon self.

It's just the other side of the same coin for being very authentic and real. With real good can come real bad too. I can't hustle to save my life, I won't tell you that you smell of roses when you stink. I can only give a compliment if I really do feel that way. When people are used to lot's of flattery and sweet niceness without doing anything to earn it, it's a real issue when they don't get the wanted compliments from me. So when I'm sweet to you, you can be assured it's 100% real, if I say I enjoy your company - I really really do!

The fun side of turning to escorts is the baggage free, non judgemental good time. It shouldn't be complicated. Keeping interactions superficial, discussing unrelated to us topics in between steamy sessions of physical gratification is easy enough, however with many, who search for a deeper connection, I can easily get seduced in to various levels of deeper closeness, which at the start might feel amazing and refreshing, but in time is open to pitfalls of trust issues or hurt.
When a stranger promises me something and goes back on his word, it doesn't bother me, I just shrug my shoulders, however if someone I consider a friend does that, it hurts.

The dilemma now is to keep our interactions real enough to be memorable and worthwhile, yet not close enough to allow any pain to drip in.
Having a very low volume, mostly long dates, mostly regulars and with chatting in between is opening the door to all sorts of heartache as we are dancing on the edge of an emotional sword. Money exchanging hands means nothing in the big scheme of things, when real human emotions and egos are involved. It's sometimes difficult to keep things in perspective.

Guys can compartmentalize things easier. And this is the only solution that makes sense. Seeing each day as a fresh start, enjoying each minute independently of the past and the future. Creating that fantasy that I speak of so often, without allowing it to intersect with real life too much. My personality is very black or white, all or nothing, maybe I'm here to learn moderation and all the shades of grey....

Live and learn...
A.